911, What’s Your O-mergency?

Have you ever had such loud sex that you worried the neighbors heard you?

Well, according to a Telegraph article titled Woman Claims Order Banning Her From Noisy Sex Is Breach Of Human Rights, that’s not so much a worry for UK residents Steve and Caroline Cartwright, but rather a well-known fact — one that’s turned into a legal issue.

Apparently, The Cartwright’s weren’t just loud when they had sex, their “love making was described as ‘murder’ and ‘unnatural.’” The noise they made in the throes of passion “drowned out their neighbours’ televisions. Even the local postman and a woman, who walked past the house taking her child to school, complained.”

The result? Caroline Cartwright was given a noise abatement order that banned the couple from ‘’shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level as to be a statutory nuisance.”

Caroline didn’t respond well to the order. She is now appealing a conviction by magistrates for breaching it by using Article 8 of the Human Rights Act to argue that she has a right to ”respect for her private and family life.” Besides, she says she can’t help it.

I think Caroline lost the right to respect for her private life when she broadcasted it for the entire neighborhood to hear. And if her claims are true that she can’t help but make that much noise, then her husband’s services should be rented out, because he obviously has a very valuable talent.

The Cartwrights case is ongoing, but in the meantime they should probably invest in some soundproofing material. While they might not be able to trap all of Caroline’s screaming, an attempt to  downgrade her yells from “murder”-like to manslaughter-like would no doubt be appreciated.